amazing epiphany

Not really an epiphany since, the pastor told me this in his sermon, but I woke up at midnight and I totally understood it. I took two pages of notes, tiny writing at church, I loved it, I ate it up, but it wasn't until now that I emotionally understood. I feel weird to say I was weeping (as opposed ot crying), but I was.

The pastor asked why Jesus had to suffer SO much during the Passion. Why the mocking and spitting, why the denial, but the intense scourging? Why the actual crucifixion, when we are told that "any man who hangs on a tree will be cursed"? The answer was so that we could understand the huge sacrifice that Jesus made for us. I get that. It hurts. It makes me cry, it makes it hard to explain to Max because he cries and wishes it had been him.

But that isn't it. Well, that is it, that is the reason why God made it happen that way. God planned the immense pain, the horrible horribleness of it all. It had to happen that way so that Jesus would be the guilt sacrifice for our sins.

But that isn't what I "got" at midnight. What I woke up with was what Jesus feared. He didn't fear death. Paul didn't fear death. Our pastor talked about Ignatius who didn't fear death (yeah, I don't know who that is, either). Lots of people don't fear death, at least not that much, or there wouldn't be war, suicide bombers, or plain old suicides.

Jesus begged God to take the cup away from Him. I sort of understand this from Revelations. The cup of God's wrath. The separation from God. Jesus didn't ask for God to make sure that Peter didn't deny him. He didn't ask that the beatings wouldn't hurt, or that no one would make fun of Him. He asked that God would take the cup, but if not, He wanted to do God's will.

Jesus couldn't bear the thought of being away from God, for even a second. He had to be away from God for 3 days. Most of us can forget God for 3 days. But Jesus had always been with God, even on earth had a close, close, close relationship with Him. He couldn't bear that God would turn His back on Him.

This was for me. Because of my sin, even just an unkind word to someone, my lack of consideration for my husband, when I make other things more important to me than God. My sin requires a guilt offering. In the Old Testament, it would have been a spotless lamb or ram.
But now we don't have to do that because of Jesus' sacrifice.

I think I am rambling now. Humbling, beautiful, wonderful.