crash and burn

it's really hard to run away when your truck gets stuck in a snow bank.

Been struggling lately and it came to a head at church. Nothing to do with church, other than Max was acting like a 3 year old and I couldn't take it anymore, so we left. Only to see that the nitwits who parked next to me parked RIGHT next to me and I didn't have a whole lot of space behind me to back out. So I had to call Larry. He thought I was upset because of the truck, but actually that calmed me down. I have no problem being unable to handle the truck in all situations. There is always someone who can help me and I will trade my safety of driving a humongous vehicle for a little dignity and having to park far away anytime.

Anyway, I really feel like a horrible mom and a horrible person. When did I become so lazy? When did I start waiting until the last minute to get stuff ready? When did I become happy with a weight that at one time I didn't know my scale could reach?

My son is 9 years old and can't get plaque off of his teeth. He would rather have a temper tantrum than have to erase and re-write a word. Where have I been that he developed these habits?

Larry has been super busy and super, super stressed at work. Of course he brings it home. I try to be supportive. I care. I care a lot. But it gets hard to hear it over and over again.

I don't think I see the value of being a housewife. I hate to clean the house. But I know it is important for my family to have a clean house, I just don't know why. Max is starting to act like a teenager and getting sulky. He didn't get my permission to do that. I totally embarrassed him Saturday and I didn't even mean to.

I haven't been having my personal devotionals. I have been doing a ton of Bible study, but none for myself. Teaching CBS and Sunday School is burning me out and I think that is a part of my problem. Luckily, I am done with teaching SS. I have announced that I probably won't return to CBS. That makes me sad and happy at the same time.

I know my biggest problem is that I am not close to God right now. It is amazing, I didn't know when it happened. I was so busy "doing God's work" that I forgot to invite Him to help.

I'm still on the verge of tears-all the time. I'm ok, I totally ok. I know what I need to do to get on track, but it's hard. I just want to curl up and sleep. Instead I am doing the laundry, doing my CBS lesson, waiting for the home appraiser who is 43 minutes late..